Quote

Me and the guy I am seeing (a comedian) are walking down the street.
Random guy: Oi mate, you know she's way too sexy for you?!

We walk on and comedian turns to me and says:
But what he doesn't know is that I'm way too funny for you...

(Touché)

On Being a Comedian

Yesterday I had a conversation with a couple of people at work about comedy (as I recently started performing stand-up) and found that there are some narrow minded and old fashioned views when it comes to comedy.

One of my female colleagues said she didn't think good looking people should be allowed to do comedy, using arguments such as; people are supposed to be laughing at them so they should be funny looking in some way, it's weird for attractive people to be funny and hot people shouldn't have a personality too!

Then a male colleague came into the conversation and said that women shouldn't do comedy because they aren't funny. I thought these ideas were extremely reductionist. Especially since I have seen some very unfunny men doing 'comedy'. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if you are male, female, not sure, pretty, not pretty, hot, sexy, hideous, odd-looking, quirky or otherwise. There's only one criteria you should meet to be able to do comedy and that's being able to make people laugh.

Regrets

Some people say that you should always behave as if everyone is watching you all of the time, as that way you'll never do anything you regret. The only problem with that is that there will also be things you will regret not doing...

Poem

I despair when men that I desire treat me with contempt
And yet I chide the other men that try to get me into bed
When they admit their facebook stalking, I roll my eyes and say
Haven't you got anything better to do with your bloody day?
I laugh, call them losers then suggest that we be mates
I'd rather slit my throat than go out with them on a date
Perhaps I am too picky or my standards are too high
If this is the case in point, the truth, then I'd like to know why
All the men I like are bastards and the men I don't are not so bad
All the men I like are mean or taken and this makes me rather sad
The final straw, the ugly truth, the turn and twist of the knife
Is that all the men who are good in bed are somewhat bad in life...

Kiss Chase

If you want me, come and get me
If you don't, then it's alright
If you want me, you can chase me
If you don't, then that's just life
If you want me, you can have me
Of course that's if I want you too
If you want me, come and get me
If you want me, if you really do...

June

I've started making others blush but some people make me blush instead
I'm dressing up for no-one and I'm sleeping in an empty bed
Silent disco in the pouring rain and I'd go gay for Jessie J 
Trying stand up comedy gave adrenaline buzz until the next day
Rode on the back of a motorbike and loved the way it made me feel
Enjoying life, because life is now, and life is good and life is real...

Published in an Anthology

My nano fiction entry that was commended in a competition last year by leaf books is now in an anthology:
http://leafbooks.co.uk/New/Books/Pod.htm

A Poem

I feel hard done by because it seems to me that you have the life I should have had
I can trace the start of your success back to one small decision; an unkept promise by somebody else
You got the job that we were both supposed to trial
And that's what set our paths on different ways
And it wasn't your fault, I can't blame you, I can only admit the jealousy that I feel when I read your name and I wish it was mine...

Question

For all the fashionistas
I've got a question about bronzer:
Where do you put it on your face?
Is it worn just like blusher?
Because all I use it for right now
Is to make my arms shimmer
And my tits look bigger...

Human Nature

It is no coincidence

That those

You have no romantic interest in

Shower you with attention.

Yet the ones you pine and ache for

Show you no affection.

And vice versa...

Intellectual Stimulation

The girth of your cock doesn't interest me
I care more about your wide vocabulary
I'm not bothered about all the positions you can do
I just want us to play a chess game or two
You can try to impress me with your oral sex technique
But how many times have you done the G2 crossword this week?
We can kiss and make out and even practice penetration
But sometimes, what I really want, is some good, old-fashioned intellectual stimulation...

In Another Life

In another life
I am a marine biologist
Or a historian
A university lecturer
Who gets articles published in journals

In another life
I am a beach volleyball player
Or a ballerina
A contemporary dancer
Who travels the world to do shows 

Invitations

Sometimes I don't want to be
The entertainment,
The go-to girl
The freak show;
I want to be the girl you take out for dinner
And introduce to people you know