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Alice

I didn't know that when he said it was something else he just couldn't put his finger on

That he was talking about you
That he would put his finger on you again

Alice
I have no idea what you look like
When I hear your name all I think of
Is that song from the 90s
Tea parties
And a book I read at school about Alice and her magic Alice band
That made her really good at maths

You should have worn a band like that
Maybe then you would have known that one person plus one person plus another person
Just doesn't add up

But Alice you weren't just bad at sums
You were a pathological liar
Even when presented with the evidence you pretended you were good and loyal

That the other man
Was just a friend

I don't hate you because you took someone away from me that I was dating and it was going okay with
I don't hate you 'cause you're young and think you should get what you want

Maybe I hate you because
You didn't care how he felt
Or what he would have done for you
Because the way he talked about you after the betrayal
Awakened a hatred in me that could have been for anybody
But you were simply in the right poem at the wrong time

If murder was legal
I wouldn't scatter your body around the country
I'd just like to watch you grow up
And one day feel the heartache that you brought on another
And when it happens you'll never think of me
Or him
You don't even know who I am
But I know who you are Alice
And I know what you've done

Ruby Sparks Feelings of Anger

(Warning Spoiler Alert)

I’d seen the trailer for this film. It looked funny, sweet, even like it might be romantic. A man (who acts very much like boy) writes a story. The main character is a pretty, lovable, slightly odd girl. The impossible happens; she materialises, true to the way he has written her and they fall in love. Aw. Ignoring the fact it was a blatant plagiarism of ‘Stranger than Fiction’, me and a friend decided to go and watch it.

Now initially you feel sorry for the protagonist, Calvin, an isolated writer, with no love in his life, frustrated that he cannot live up to everyone else’s expectations of him, and when you first meet Ruby, she seems insolent, arrogant, attention seeking; an older and duller Lolita with aspirations that she projects onto older men.

They used every cliché in the book in this film: jumping in a swimming pool, frolicking in an arcade, going to an open air cinema, cuddling in an open top car. Now I’m not against any of these activities and have been known to participate in said clichés, but the effort that went into this self-indulgent over display of passion was painful to watch. Apologies to anyone in the cinema who heard me audibly groan whenever a fake instance of overwhelming desire occurred.

If it had just been hack and sentimental, I probably wouldn’t have written this. I wasn’t quite prepared for the dark twist the film took. Inevitably the honeymoon period ends. Initially I was satisfied by this admission of reality, but when the cracks start to show, Calvin tries to glue them back together with his typewriter, by writing Ruby into the person he wants her to be. When she starts an art class, becomes independent and wants to stay out with her art friends, he makes it so she comes home, when this backfires and she becomes needy, he makes her act joyous all the time. Whenever something goes wrong, he sneaks up to his room and gets out his typewriter to change the way Ruby is acting, like Dorian Gray sneaking up to look at his decomposing picture; it’s sinister.

Calvin’s ex-girlfriend, Lila is discussed by Calvin and other characters before we meet her. We find out that she left him just after his father died, but not much other information. I think you are supposed to feel more sympathy for Calvin for knowing this fact, but when you actually meet her, Calvin’s behaviour has started to falter and she’s vulnerable, smart and likeable. She explains that she’s been writing, with no thanks to him, that he never encouraged her and that he always made her feel like a dilettante. After getting to know Calvin, you have a whole new perspective on Lila; it’s crazy to think that she stayed with him for 5 years.

The film reaches a climax when Calvin shows Ruby he can make her do anything he wants to her do. He sits at his typewriter and controls her like a puppet. He stops her from leaving, starts to undress her, forces her to spin round and makes her repeat that she loves him and she’ll never leave him. The desperate, selfish, controlling scene is horrific to watch. She finally collapses to the floor, broken and destroyed like a rag doll, who can’t be played with anymore.

After this, he realises what he has done and writes that he has set her free from the past. He leaves her a note and in the morning Ruby and all traces of her are gone. It’s not over though. Calvin decides to write a book about writing a book about a girl who came to life. He dedicates it to her and gives a seriously pretentious speech about his book, with some obligatory Catcher in the Rye references thrown in.

After this, he goes for a walk in the park and who should he bump into, but Ruby, who is reading his book, but obviously has no re-collection of what has happened between them. They begin to flirt and he reveals he is the author of the book. They share a few moments and the film ends with the insinuation that they will start afresh, that they’ll fall in love again and everything will end happily ever after.

What? He gets the girl? After all that? After treating her in such a disrespectful way? He still gets the girl? This can’t be right.

It saddens me that this is the way they chose to end the film. There is no punishment or justice for what Calvin has done. There’s no opposition to the concept of men’s urges to control and suppress women that this film seems to represent (or disapproval of any person’s need to control another human in this way, not just male to female). If anything, it’s made to seem acceptable, as long as you appear to be sorry for your actions. It’s like saying domestic abuse is okay if you write an apologetic book about it afterwards.

This film wasn’t kooky, quirky or romantic. It was a sick and depressing movie, masquerading as a rom-com and I would not recommend it.

And the worst thing is, you can’t help but think they only named the lead character Ruby so they could play THAT song.

Quote

Me and the guy I am seeing (a comedian) are walking down the street.
Random guy: Oi mate, you know she's way too sexy for you?!

We walk on and comedian turns to me and says:
But what he doesn't know is that I'm way too funny for you...

(Touché)

On Being a Comedian

Yesterday I had a conversation with a couple of people at work about comedy (as I recently started performing stand-up) and found that there are some narrow minded and old fashioned views when it comes to comedy.

One of my female colleagues said she didn't think good looking people should be allowed to do comedy, using arguments such as; people are supposed to be laughing at them so they should be funny looking in some way, it's weird for attractive people to be funny and hot people shouldn't have a personality too!

Then a male colleague came into the conversation and said that women shouldn't do comedy because they aren't funny. I thought these ideas were extremely reductionist. Especially since I have seen some very unfunny men doing 'comedy'. The way I see it, it doesn't matter if you are male, female, not sure, pretty, not pretty, hot, sexy, hideous, odd-looking, quirky or otherwise. There's only one criteria you should meet to be able to do comedy and that's being able to make people laugh.

Regrets

Some people say that you should always behave as if everyone is watching you all of the time, as that way you'll never do anything you regret. The only problem with that is that there will also be things you will regret not doing...

Poem

I despair when men that I desire treat me with contempt
And yet I chide the other men that try to get me into bed
When they admit their facebook stalking, I roll my eyes and say
Haven't you got anything better to do with your bloody day?
I laugh, call them losers then suggest that we be mates
I'd rather slit my throat than go out with them on a date
Perhaps I am too picky or my standards are too high
If this is the case in point, the truth, then I'd like to know why
All the men I like are bastards and the men I don't are not so bad
All the men I like are mean or taken and this makes me rather sad
The final straw, the ugly truth, the turn and twist of the knife
Is that all the men who are good in bed are somewhat bad in life...

Kiss Chase

If you want me, come and get me
If you don't, then it's alright
If you want me, you can chase me
If you don't, then that's just life
If you want me, you can have me
Of course that's if I want you too
If you want me, come and get me
If you want me, if you really do...

June

I've started making others blush but some people make me blush instead
I'm dressing up for no-one and I'm sleeping in an empty bed
Silent disco in the pouring rain and I'd go gay for Jessie J 
Trying stand up comedy gave adrenaline buzz until the next day
Rode on the back of a motorbike and loved the way it made me feel
Enjoying life, because life is now, and life is good and life is real...

Published in an Anthology

My nano fiction entry that was commended in a competition last year by leaf books is now in an anthology:
http://leafbooks.co.uk/New/Books/Pod.htm

A Poem

I feel hard done by because it seems to me that you have the life I should have had
I can trace the start of your success back to one small decision; an unkept promise by somebody else
You got the job that we were both supposed to trial
And that's what set our paths on different ways
And it wasn't your fault, I can't blame you, I can only admit the jealousy that I feel when I read your name and I wish it was mine...

Question

For all the fashionistas
I've got a question about bronzer:
Where do you put it on your face?
Is it worn just like blusher?
Because all I use it for right now
Is to make my arms shimmer
And my tits look bigger...

Human Nature

It is no coincidence

That those

You have no romantic interest in

Shower you with attention.

Yet the ones you pine and ache for

Show you no affection.

And vice versa...

Intellectual Stimulation

The girth of your cock doesn't interest me
I care more about your wide vocabulary
I'm not bothered about all the positions you can do
I just want us to play a chess game or two
You can try to impress me with your oral sex technique
But how many times have you done the G2 crossword this week?
We can kiss and make out and even practice penetration
But sometimes, what I really want, is some good, old-fashioned intellectual stimulation...

In Another Life

In another life
I am a marine biologist
Or a historian
A university lecturer
Who gets articles published in journals

In another life
I am a beach volleyball player
Or a ballerina
A contemporary dancer
Who travels the world to do shows 

Invitations

Sometimes I don't want to be
The entertainment,
The go-to girl
The freak show;
I want to be the girl you take out for dinner
And introduce to people you know